The Magnificent Adventures of Heartache

(And Other Frightening Tales)

Miami Highlights

-“I haven’t worn underwear since the third grade. Don’t believe in it.”
-Having dangerous people buy me shots.
-“I would let Sofia Vergara give me the AIDS.”
-Eating a shit ton of gator and frog legs.
-Seeing a pimped out mine-resistant ambush protected Cuban drug mobile parked on the South Beach strip.
-Staring down men in designer jeans and deep v necks.
-Kind of learning to tipsy salsa.
-Getting lost and winding up at a place called “The Pit” that the locals don’t even go to.
-Having the privilege of hitting the bars with a bad motherfucker of a Team guy that kept the shots flowing and watching him cut in with married women on the dance floor like a fucking champ.
-Convincing people at the bars we were blimp pilots; our vessel was moored at Sun Life Stadium

The amount of weakling dudes in expensive clothing, particularly designer jeans with winged dicks on the pockets and deep v necks, seen in South Beach is staggering. However, I want to go back and stay for a week because South Beach is fucking awesome. The city doesn’t sleep and the girls are really cool, if you can convince them you’re a blimp pilot with a lot of money.

I’ll take a dry, rough handy j over a cookie any day from you, bub.

I’ll take a dry, rough handy j over a cookie any day from you, bub.

Dear nicevagina, this video wasn’t “made to tell people” to commit suicide, it was made by College Humor, a mildly funny and benign source of topical comedy. If this has offended you, fuck you, you’re a pussy. It’s poking fun at the blogger soft cunts who scream social injustice at literally every goddamn thing under the sun; the designer scarf wearing, impotent wet blankets of the our internet based society. If you don’t like it, fuck you, you’re a pussy and it was meant precisely to scald your soft, velvety ass.

Also, that word isn’t derived from a negative connotation with female genitalia, it’s a modern form of pusillanimous; an old word for timorous. Don’t known what timorous means? Fuck you, you’re an ignoramus. 

10/10 I will lose followers over this but I don’t give a miniature fuck because bourbon and fury.

Dear nicevagina, this video wasn’t “made to tell people” to commit suicide, it was made by College Humor, a mildly funny and benign source of topical comedy. If this has offended you, fuck you, you’re a pussy. It’s poking fun at the blogger soft cunts who scream social injustice at literally every goddamn thing under the sun; the designer scarf wearing, impotent wet blankets of the our internet based society. If you don’t like it, fuck you, you’re a pussy and it was meant precisely to scald your soft, velvety ass.

Also, that word isn’t derived from a negative connotation with female genitalia, it’s a modern form of pusillanimous; an old word for timorous. Don’t known what timorous means? Fuck you, you’re an ignoramus.

10/10 I will lose followers over this but I don’t give a miniature fuck because bourbon and fury.

This Video Explains Why In 2014 It’s Socially Unacceptable To Do Anything Anywhere

This is Tumblr social justice warrior community summed up in two minutes and nine seconds.

I hate everyone and everything equally. 

John Paul Jones

I pissed off recruiting command because I had a Congressman’s representative make a phone call to the MEPS on my behalf. The RC himself told a Chief to call me and tell me that I’m not getting in and that’s the end of it. My recruiter had me call the Chief after telling me that no matter what the Chief says, to not give up trying. The Chief was actually pretty cool, he basically reiterated what the RC said about me not having a chance in Hell of enlisting, then when he asked if I had any questions all I could say was that I can’t stop. I can stop trying and I appreciate him taking the time to let me down softly, but that I wouldn’t stop. These are fleet Navy personnel telling me that I’m not eligible for a special warfare program. Fuck you.

If the RC didn’t like being bothered by a Congressman’s rep then he isn’t going to enjoy a phone call from the Congressman himself, I might even have a connection with a second Congressman that can make another call on my behalf. They aren’t going to like it when NSW requests a second opinion on my behalf. I am going to keep bothering them until they let me in; I’m still in this fight.

I’m not stopping because some lazy motherfucker who’s covering his own ass won’t give me the time of day, I’m not letting some nobody tell me that I’m unable to serve my country, I refuse to allow some impotent fuck decide my fate. I’m so fucking tired of this crawling on my hands and bloodied knees uphill bullshit but I have a few good friends and a few good connections that are keeping me in the fight, and I’m not stopping.

I won’t stop because I can’t.

Thigh Abductor aka the “Bad Girl” machine

This changes everything

Team guy checks his 7.62mm M-14 rifle aboard the fleet oiler USNS JOSHUA HUMPHREYS (T-AO-188). Old school badassery.

Team guy checks his 7.62mm M-14 rifle aboard the fleet oiler USNS JOSHUA HUMPHREYS (T-AO-188). Old school badassery.

Keep going.

Bluesy

I have to stop and take things in, describing my surroundings helps me to see more clearly; the process of reflection through expression yields new perspectives. 

The ocean is a cerulean tapestry with diamonds interwoven between living fibers, they roll and shimmer on the surface endlessly beneath the golden sun and a delicate arrangement of cirrus clouds. I can see all the way through to the horizon, a misty haze gives the old illusion of some titanic waterfall at the dark edge of the sea.